Finding the Calm in the Chaos Around Me

There has been some talk around the house about moving in new directions, and having the courage to follow our desired paths.  Two very scary topics, but ones that we realize not only require our attention, but we owe it to ourselves to dream big and move beyond our comfort zones. For the first time in my adult life, I have the opportunity to make a decision just for me.  I don’t have to worry about uprooting kids and helping them readjust to a new environment. My decision can be purely for me.  Becoming a mom at a very early age, I made the decision that my commitment was to raising my children, and doing what I felt was best or them.  I in no way regret my decision or commitment to my responsibilities and I know that I am not the perfect mom or the most qualified, but I was (and still am) committed to the well being of my boys, but my focus for the last 20 years has been doing what I thought to be ‘right’ and many times doing what was ‘right’ which (in my mind) meant giving up on my personal goals, dreams, desires.  I am finally to a point where I am now able to take a step back and do something for me, just me, and it’s strange, terrifying, and good (all at the same time). 

I realize that most people have these feelings and experiences right out of high school, and by the time that they reach 38; their lives have been mapped out and are in the process of being lived.  How is it that at 38, I am just getting to the point in my life where I have the moment to look at what is in front of me and start my life?  Why did I feel that it was inappropriate for me to live my life while raising my boys?  How did I let things get so far out of control?  How did I lose sight of what is important to me?  How did putting my life on hold for my boys benefit any of us?  Am I just making excuses?  Nope, simply trying to make sense of all of this confusion.  I have a feeling that my boys would have greatly benefitted from me following my heart, rather than doing what I thought I was SUPPOSED to do.  I know that I would have benefitted more from allowing myself to live my life rather than sacrificing myself completely.  I now find myself not entirely certain that I can follow my heart and live the life I so desperately want to live.  I see the value of a paycheck, medical benefits and a 401(k), but I can say with absolute certainty, that these things have never been my top priority.  Okay, maybe the paycheck…. 

My heart has ALWAYS wanted, and needed, to make a difference in this world.  I have an intrinsic need to impact the world around me and mend a fractured global community. I know that my goals have nothing to do with making money, or hanging awards on my walls.  My goals are about making a difference in the lives of those around me, and making the world just a little better.  Naïve?  Perhaps, but I know that my purpose here in this life is to help others, be a voice for those who have none, and advocating for change within a broken system. 

Where will the next few months lead me?  I have no idea, but I am hanging on for one Hell of a ride.  I am trying to open myself up to the opportunities in front of me and to listening to my conscience.  I have to follow my heart, listen to my soul, and trust myself.  This is my time and I refuse to waste anymore of it.  I OWE it to myself to hold on and take control of my life.